


The Idea of You

by wiltin



Series: Senior Year is a Midlife Crisis (A Total Drama Fic Collection) [2]
Category: Total Drama (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Exes, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Light Angst, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, POV Alternating, Past Relationship(s), Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Reconciliation, References to Depression, Relationship(s), Self-Doubt, Sequel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23513125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wiltin/pseuds/wiltin
Summary: A continuation to my old Total Drama fic. Everyone got what they wanted but two people-- Owen and Izzy. Owen may have started dating his best friend, but was it him that his best friend even wanted? Or was it something he thought Owen was, like everyone else did?And Izzy had tried to be supportive of Owen when they broke up, but lately, she had been treated far too much like the villain, awkwardly sitting in the sidelines after everyone else got their happily ever after. She wasn't good for anything, was she? She was just Owen's crazy ex. Nothing more.When your happily ever after is said and done, there are always problems that lie underneath.!!!Temporarily Abandoned!!!
Relationships: Cody Anderson & Gwen, Courtney/Gwen (Total Drama), Gwen & Noah (Total Drama), Heather/Sierra (Total Drama), Izzy & Owen (Total Drama), Noah/Owen (Total Drama), Sierra & Gwen (Total Drama)
Series: Senior Year is a Midlife Crisis (A Total Drama Fic Collection) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675588
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. The Idea of You

**Author's Note:**

> You might wanna read the previous fic first. You'll have to sit through some cringey old writing of mine, but it'll help you understand what's happening.

Gwen said yes to homecoming. Courtney had known she would-- Gwen even confessed that she had been planning to ask. Courtney told everyone this, all the while grinning at Gwen. They had quite the story. Sierra and Heather did, too. Sierra had gone from a boy-obsessed stalker to a cute, popular lesbian dating the Heather Chandler of the school. Heather projected a less mean exterior, and Lindsey hung around with Beth and Harold now-- who had been tolerated more by the general public because of this, even looked warmly upon.

Zoey was dating Dawn-- something that had surprised everyone, but not so much as Dawn’s DIY homecoming dress. It was reminiscent of a forest, all wood and animals, with a bit of fabric which looked like it could’ve been solid fog. For all anyone knew, it could’ve been. Dawn was, after all, a mystery altogether.

And Noah and Owen had their own love story. A ferris wheel confession, the opposites attract cliche come alive. Everyone thought it was so cute! They were so cute together, round and soft coupled with sharp and sarcastic. The perfect pair. The perfect couple. The ‘OTP’ (Sierra had trouble abandoning old verbal habits).

It was perfect, and everyone was happy. It was perfect, a fairytale ending. Everyone was content and everything had turned out perfectly. The days had a lazy happiness, and fall melted into a sparkling winter.

Things had mostly gone back to normal. The main differences were that Owen and Noah were dating-- but what that really entailed, Owen wasn't sure-- and that many of his classmates had changed as people. There was one major problem with things going back to normal, as far as Owen could tell.

Nobody had learned anything from what had happened. Owen had been rash about everything, sure, but he'd had a valid point that nobody seemed to remember. Everyone had sided with Noah in it, after all.

Nobody took Owen seriously. That hadn’t changed. He was soft, cute, funny! He was this big, round ball of sunshine who anyone could come to when sad and be cheered up instantly. He was a sensitive crybaby. A bean, an uwu baby. Maybe if he were skinny, they wouldn't…

But he quickly shut down that route of thinking. It wasn't that he was uncomfortable with his size-- his doctor had made clear that he wasn't particularly unhealthy (the wonders of having a good doctor!). But... constantly being babied and invalidated was infuriating. He almost wanted to vomit whenever someone called him cute.

There was no resolution that he could see.

If he tried talking to them about it, they would just brush him off. If he tried proving his point again through action, it had been shown already what good that did. He needed to talk to someone who had a similar experience. Someone who nobody really knew beyond the idea they had in their heads. Someone who nobody put an effort into knowing anymore.

Someone who everyone called crazy. Even when they were dating, Owen hadn’t even tried to get to know her. He had only ever wanted the idea of dating someone who liked him. He had only ever wanted what he thought she could be.

He needed to talk to his ex-girlfriend.

That fateful week’s events had left her in a sorry state. In the end, she had been supportive of Owen’s choice, but that hadn’t changed much. It was like the whole school had turned their backs on her. Owen was a surprisingly well-known-- almost popular-- guy. The amount of people who had come up to him that he didn’t even know to tell them they were sorry that he had been through ‘that’. It never ceased to confuse him.

But Izzy lost what little she had. She had gone from just another member of the student body to constant ostracism. Owen tried to talk to her once, but he was pulled away as Izzy ducked past, avoiding eye contact. They might not have had a messy breakup, but it still felt like it.

Owen hated being on the winning side. It almost would have been better the other way-- he’d had friends who would stick by him through everything (well, evidently _almost_ anything, but definitely a breakup with Izzy). She’d only had Owen, really. And he ruined it by wanting his best friend.

There was no doubt about it, Owen had wanted to date Noah. He had feelings for him that were new and different. Noah was someone he _knew_. Someone who he had grown into love with, and someone who was, admittedly, pretty hot. Owen blushed thinking that, glancing at Noah. Their hands were intertwined as Noah absently scrolled endlessly through his phone. As though sensing his gaze, Noah squeezed Owen’s hand briefly.

They were sitting outside on the school’s steps. The group had taken to sitting in front of the school when classes ended. Even Heather and Sierra joined them most days, though they were absent today. Everyone seemed to be talking about an unimportant this or that-- a teacher hates them, the assignment is impossible. Everything was normal.

It didn’t feel normal. It felt like a dream. One where everything is what you want except for one glaringly obvious thing that nobody else seems to notice. Everyone ignored the problems in favor of blissful ignorance. They let their resentment be stowed away, to bubble up someday when they were alone. Or maybe that was just him.

He couldn’t be the only one there putting up a charade-- the only one incontent. Not with Noah, no, Noah was sweet and loving and so wonderful, but with everyone and who they thought he was. Because, well, why else? That’s not who he was. And that wasn’t someone who Owen could live up to being. He couldn’t, wouldn’t be who they thought or wanted. The expectations were crushing him slowly, and he was near fit to burst.

Noah put away his phone and leaned against Owen’s shoulder. Owen was taller, but he didn’t feel like it. Still, Noah’s head was about in the middle of his upper arm, not quite reaching his shoulder at leaning height. Noah was all legs and Owen was all torso, so when they were seated the height difference was cartoonish. For Owen, their relationship still felt fresh and new-- and his face still turned as red at this as it would have months ago.

Which was why it was so hard-- he couldn’t even receive affection without freaking out, let alone talk to Noah about how much everyone was bothering him.

“Hey, Owen?” Noah’s voice shocked Owen out of his thoughts. He looked down shakily. “Gee, you okay?”

“I’m fine, sorry, you scared me, haha.” Owen smiled, then let out a breath he had accidentally held. “What is it?”

“Oh, I was wondering if you’d like to see a movie this weekend? No pressure.” Owen would love to see a movie with Noah, but he had a lot of nothing to do. It wasn’t anxiety telling him not to, it was just… Owen had a lot of homework, anyways.

“Uh, is anything good even playing? I have a lot of homework and I feel a little off this week, maybe not this time.” Noah’s smile faltered. Shit.

“Uh, yeah, okay. I have too much to do, also, as well.” He cleared his throat slightly then gently removed his head from Owen’s arm, and if hearts really could break, then this definitely broke Owen’s. That settled it.

He needed to talk to Izzy.


	2. Retrospection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Owen visits his ex. Sierra is filled with guilt. Gwen shows doubts.

The front door was huge. Polished wood, professionally crafted. Each of the double doors, as of course one wasn’t enough, had a grand, intricate knocker. Izzy’s lime green car was the only one visible through the giant window of the garage, and none were parked in the driveway loop. Owen had only dated Izzy for a week, and they had never gone to her house. He double checked to make sure the address was right. He had, of course, already seen her car, but a house this huge didn’t make any sense to him.

The cold iron of the knocker shocked him to reality. What was he even doing there? He knew he had to talk to Izzy, but why? He half considered calling Justin back to pick him up again, and he dropped the knocker he had pulled back. It rang out against the door far louder than he had expected. He panicked, looking around for a bush or something to hide in.

There were loud, annoyed footsteps before the door swung open. Owen was a deer in headlights, and Izzy was standing there in a green tee. Her eyes widened as she noticed Owen.

“Hey, Iz! Uh, can we talk real quick?”

“Listen, Owen, I’m sorry about what happened, but I don't really think I can right now.” She began to close the door. Owen put to good use his new football team strength, and held the door open.

“No, Izzy, we need to talk. I don’t want an apology.” Owen tried his best to be forceful. To finally stand up for what he needed to do.

“But…” She looked up at Owen. “Uh, I guess we can talk for a minute. Come in, if you want.” She let go of the door and Owen stumbled in. He closed the door carefully behind him, took his shoes off, and followed as Izzy led him to a fancy room filled with couches and expensive art deco pieces. Owen sat on the edge of a printer-paper-white couch. He was self-conscious of it getting dirty from the slightest contact with him. Expensive couches felt weird.

On the matching chair across from him, Izzy spread herself out haphazardly. She was wearing shoes which she tucked onto the couch’s cushion. Owen had half a mind to wince.

“What do you want? Can’t you leave me alone?” Izzy was almost pleading. She clearly didn’t want to talk. But Owen suspected she needed to. And he knew that he needed to.

“I want to talk with you, Izzy.”

“Why? What about?”

“How it ended. How it’s not your fault--”

“Awesome, cause I don’t. Can you leave now?” Izzy interrupted, half burying her face in her knees.

“No, Izzy, please just listen.” Izzy buried her face fully. Owen took this as a response. “It wasn’t your fault. I… I used you, I guess--” Izzy lifted her head, opening her mouth to speak, but Owen held up a finger. Her head returned to its shelter. “I used you as an attempt to prove a point.  _ I _ used  _ you _ , and now you’re paying the price for it. It’s not fair. We both made a few mistakes, but you wanted what was best for me, so you… you let me go.”

“I didn’t want to, you know.” Izzy’s head had reappeared somewhere during Owen’s monologue. “I didn’t want what was best for you. Not really. I wanted to stay with you. I… I did want you to be happy, but I didn’t want the cost. I wanted us to be what I dreamed, but… I thought we were different people than we were. I thought it would be different than it was. I only wanted what I thought you would be, and  _ god _ do I feel guilty about it. I deserve this, in a way.”

Owen had heard things through the grapevine. Birds hissed words of malice and of rumor. Their words twisted until all that was left was a wrung-out fragment of the truth. Sour, sharp words shouted from cars. Ostracization. The horrible consequences of the willingness to date someone like Owen. Was Noah inevitably doomed towards the same fate? Was Owen? But for now, it was Izzy, and despite everything, Owen cared about her.

He didn’t want this fate for her, but he saw no way out. The walls had caved in, and all he could do was strain, trying to lift the rocks as everyone else tunneled out. He couldn’t call for help. He couldn’t speak. It was something akin to, if not straight from a nightmare. He was helpless to stop the rubble from crushing them. Izzy now, but who next? Who else would join in Atlas’s burden?

“We need to fix this, right? How can we fix this?” Owen’s panic must’ve shown on his face, as Izzy was staring at him strangely. She cautiously slid from her chair, and was suddenly beside Owen. Her hand on his back was first startling, then soothing. He felt steadied, and it was different from her touches from before. The pressure of romance was gone now, and it felt calming and supportive. Before, he realized, it was almost restricting. Like the throat of a snake. Owen’s head was in his hands. Once he realized this, the room came back to him.

He had slid to the floor. He wasn’t crying but he was close to tears. His breath came a little easier than it had a second ago. Izzy was sitting beside him, rubbing his back comfortingly as she stared at the wall. Had he had a panic attack? Or… something similar? He’d only heard about them, or in one particularly memorable case, seen one. Or maybe that was something else? In any case, this was new. 

“Iz?”

“Hey, O, you okay?”

“I’m fine, sorry. Uh… I felt… so trapped.” There was a pause where Owen considered whether he should’ve said that.

“We can fix this. You need to talk to them, too.”

“Who?”

“Well,” Izzy sighed. “Mostly, uh, Noah. Probably the rest of them. Whatever happens, I… I’m sorry things turned out how they did.”

Owen laughed a bit at that. “Yeah, uh… shit sucks.”

And the two were able to laugh it off.

Sierra had definitely fucked everything up. That seemed to be the overarching theme of her life thus far. Hills and valleys. When everything finally looked up, and everything was clicking into place, it all went to shit. The vase of her new happiness shattered on the floor.

She had been avoiding things since Saturday. God, if she could erase one day in her life, it would be Saturday. Or Cody’s birthday party. Remembering that made her cringe, but she quickly remembered the current situation. She had made excuses to get away from Heather all day. And ignored her calls for the entire day on Sunday. She had gone straight home today, getting a rare ride from her mom. 

There had been a party. There was no reason for it, other than the fact that seniors-- especially popular ones, as Sierra now was (Or had been?)-- loved parties. Sierra had gone, at Heather’s request, and the night had been good. But Sierra felt something awfully familiar. Heather briefly left Sierra alone, and it was like she was lost. And then… she was angry. Not… at Heather. Not at anyone or thing in particular. Just… angry. So she sat there for as long as she could bear, then followed Heather. Heather had been surprised, but not unwelcoming, and Sierra had been awful at beer pong. The two lost, but Sierra was happy again. 

Sierra clung to her for the whole night. There was a series of tiny things, tiny, oh-so nostalgic things. There was a point where Heather began to act… there was no better word for it now than smothered. Maybe annoyed.

And finally, she blew up. The silence that followed her words-- for even though the music was playing, the lack of human chatter felt like silence-- was deafening. It was sharp. Her chest was tight and heavy. And now, Sierra kept hearing those words. They sounded so harmless, but after everything, they were knives. Burning hot, searing Sierra as they cut her deeply.

“God, who am I, Cody?”

Sierra was never better than she had always been. The moment she thought she had recovered, she became herself all over again. She couldn’t avoid the truth of her past. She couldn’t avoid the truth of her present. She couldn’t avoid the truth of her  _ future _ .

She didn’t change. She couldn’t change. Trying had brought her sweet nothing, so why did she?

Why did she ever try?

She knew these rhetorics would bring her nowhere. She had expected to change overnight. If not, then maybe the month of time might flush out the remains of her… obsessive nature. But she had only found a new target to fixate on. Heather felt like a huge part of her world, and Sierra didn’t have the escape she’d had with Cody. This was the same, yet… different.

Sierra loved Heather. That was the unquestionable truth that made the situation much worse than it ever had been before. With Cody, she thought it was romantic. With Heather, she… she had what she wanted. So why did she want more? Why did she want to be the most important person to Heather? Why did she feel so jealous of people who weren’t even threats to their relationship?

She was herself, as she had tried to deny and bend. Her nature it seemed, was to be awful. To ruin every relationship she came into contact with. To cling and constrict. To hurt and repeat.

To obsess.

The nature, Gwen supposed, of soulmates was to complement you perfectly. With all their talk of being soulmates, there did seem to be a glaring problem with Gwen and Courtney’s relationship. Well, perhaps not one problem, but enough small ones for Gwen to feel too discontent to let herself ignore it.

That was a heavy note to start on. Gwen loved Courtney with a passion. They were the cutest couple in the school, according to the homecoming ballot. They had plans for the future which involved each other along every step of the way. Going to college together, moving in together in a small Manhattan apartment with a quirky roommate-- or maybe two, they joked, if Noah and Owen need a place. Adopting a cat. Saving up for a cottage in the Scottish countryside. Farming what they needed to live. Making what they needed. Definitely some sort of wi-fi. Growing old together.

It’s not that Gwen didn’t want these things. It just… felt a little early. About a week after they started dating, people called them the cutest couple in the school. After that, Courtney had wanted to talk about their future. A few weeks after that, Gwen realized the problems with it all.

They were moving too fast. It was wlw culture, yeah, sure-- but still. Gwen felt like maybe… maybe they should slow down.

Now that they were together, Courtney had become so… Gwen didn’t want to say it, but codependent was the word. And Gwen admitted, a little guiltily, she had become a little bit too dependent too. She had played and laughed along happily to all of the things that now seemed so concerning to her. Gwen loved Courtney in the now, but she didn’t know what she wanted anymore for the future.

And it scared her.

It scared her _so much_.


	3. Sulking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sierra and Gwen continue to be upset. Noah and Gwen are still best friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post this chunk, since it's been awhile. It's hard for me to work on fics of fandoms I've stopped fixating on, but I promise I'll try and finish my unfinished projects soon!

“God, who am I, Cody?”

The words seemed the ring through the room. Sleep was forgotten, instead Sierra was lost in a salty sea. Sierra had ruined it. Sierra couldn’t change. She wanted to, so bad. She knew the feelings were wrong. It rotted her. She loved Heather. She wanted Heather. So maybe that’s why this was worse? Why the feeling was eating at her. Because, even after all this…. Even after she thought she had found herself. She thought she had found who she was. Even with awareness, and constant effort… a change didn’t come. Sierra hadn’t changed, she never could. Never would.

Cody had been the sole positive impact in her life in years. He’d accepted her when nobody else had. She’d followed him like a dog, because she saw nobody else. She was a codependent personality, and she hated it so much. She hated being the freak who followed Cody around. So she changed. She found who she was. But now… now she was the freak who followed Heather around. Everyone must hate her, now. More than before, because Heather was different. Heather was cool. Heather was popular. And… and Sierra was still herself. An extension of another person. Existing solely for them. It was like her only purpose was to live for someone else.

She existed not for herself, but for others. This wasn’t such a ground-breaking statement from a philosophy viewpoint, but it can break a person. The thought that you’re not the one that matters in your life. The thought that you  _ don’t _ matter. The thought that, even when she tried to become her own person, she could never change, her destiny was to follow. Her destiny was to give and then move on. Never to take. Because she didn’t matter enough to deserve Heather’s love. She didn’t matter enough to  _ be _ someone.

Gwen was staring at a stuffed polar bear, deep in thought. She wanted a life with Courtney. She wanted it. But lately, she didn’t know what she wanted. They seemed to be skipping the most important steps and getting nowhere by talking only of the future. It felt like… they were doing it wrong. They were supposed to have this grand epic, a cute story that has linear progress. That’s how Gwen had always thought it was supposed to go. A dramatic confession, a few dates, a first kiss, more dates, more progress… not knowing the future, but assuring each other they would get through it as long as they were together. 

Planning it now didn’t feel right. Gwen changed her mind every other week about what she wanted to do in the future. She wanted to be an art major, and live in the big city as a freelancer. She wanted to go to an all-women’s school in New England, and start a home for lgbt youth. She wanted to open a cafe in a small city, with a few regulars and the occasional tourist. She wanted to be an actress, traveling the world with her celebrity earnings. She wanted so much, but she only had one life, and planning it now felt almost like she was removing the choice she had once had. If she set something in stone now, what if she changed her mind later?

She looked away from the stuffed bear, instead peering out her window. Across the way, she saw a window, where someone was sitting at a desk on their phone. The blinds were up. Gwen shot him a text. Noah looked up from his phone after a couple seconds, then nodded and got up. A few minutes later, the two sat in Gwen’s room, both with the air of being bummed out. They were silent for a few minutes. They then both spoke at once.

“So, hey--”

“Uh, Gwen--”

“No, sorry, you speak--”

“No, what were you saying?--”

“Okay,” Gwen cleared her throat. “What’s wrong with you?”

“That’s what I was gonna ask,” Noah replied, “What’s up?”

“I asked first.”

Noah sighed. “Okay. Well, I tried to ask Owen on a date this weekend.”

“I can’t believe you two still act like embarrassed kids around each other. It’s cute.”

“It’s painful, is what it is. So I asked him to see a movie with me, and he kinda brushed me off. I’ve been thinking about it all day.”

“He… brushed you off? How so?”

“Uh, he said, ‘there’s not even anything good playing, I have a lot of homework, maybe another time.’ Like, how does he know he has a lot of homework on Saturday? It’s Monday?”

“He has a different math teacher, I guess. That is still kinda weird. Usually Owen loves going out and doing stuff on the weekends.”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but he’s also not that academic! Like, not like I am?” Noah sighed. “I guess what I’m saying is, it feels like there’s something wrong with him. Or with me.”

“I don’t think it’s you. Maybe he’s just a little bit tired. Or burned out, jesus christ, teachers have really doubled up on homework lately,” Gwen complained.

“Yeah, maybe… I don’t know.” A brief silence followed. Noah spoke again. “What about you? What’s up?”

“Both the same, and the opposite.” Gwen sighed, and Noah looked at her questioningly. “Ah, you see, uhm… you know how Courtney is super cute and affectionate and shit? Yeah, like… I can’t help but feel like we skipped some steps. We always talk about the future, but it feels… it’s like we’re abandoning the past? That makes no sense, sorry.”

“No, I get it. She’s moving too fast?”

“I mean, in a way. She’s obsessed with planning the future, and… don’t get me wrong, I was doing it too, we’d spend hours just talking about our lives together.”

“There’s nothing weird about that.” Noah said, an attempt at being encouraging.

“There… there is, I can’t explain it well… it feels wrong. It’s like we’re doing it wrong. Like, we’re not having linear progress with our relationship, we’re just dreaming about how our lives might be some day. It feels constricting. Like, we’re both moving too slow and too fast.”

“Maybe a lifelong commitment isn’t what you need right now? Are there any red flags?”

“I mean, not quite red… like, pinkish. We promised never to break up with each other like, super early on. We’ve been dating like, barely any time, and we’re already talking about all of this stuff that… I don’t think I’m ready to think about.”

“You need to talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel.” Noah gave the advice that Gwen already knew, but was avoiding.

“I tried once, kinda.”

“How did it go?” Noah encouraged.

“Ah, well… I said, basically, ‘what if we’re not in love forever? What if we fall out of love? What if it’s just puppy love?’ She kinda… brushed it off. I mean, not really brushed it off, just… she said, ‘I’ve dated someone and had plenty of crushes before, it’s not just puppy love,’ and that really didn’t help me.”

“Maybe you should try having a talk about the moving too fast part. Like, not phrasing it as a ‘what if’, but instead, saying, ‘I’m not happy with how we’re…’.” He thought for a moment. “‘...Progressing’? Something to do with the pacing of your relationship, and tell her you don’t wanna talk about the future as much, and focus on the present. If she brushes you off then, you have my permission to get a little bit mad.”

“Getting mad wouldn’t fix anything.”

“It could. You should let yourself have emotions in a relationship. Y’know, don’t try and duct tape the relationship, try and grow it. If you don’t fix the problems you have and communicate, then you’ll both stay immature and on the road to being unhappy.”

Gwen groaned. “Ugh, do I have to talk to her? Maybe it’ll go away on its own.”

“Do you wanna be unhappy until then?”

“...Yes?”

“No.”

“...No, you’re right.” Gwen sighed. “I’ll talk to her.” The two sat in silence for a moment, before Gwen’s phone vibrated and she looked down for the source. It was a text.

“Noah…?”

“Yeah?”

“Why the hell is Cody texting me?”


End file.
